Since Craigslist has provided me with
hours of entertainment and insight into the seedy underworld of desperate men
with too much money, I have decided to do my own little ad for a boyfriend.
Disclaimer – I am not actually posting
this on Craigslist nor do I want a boyfriend.
I have absolutely no sympathy for a man who
cannot remember my birthday and is too busy to send me flowers on Valentine’s
Day. If you cannot organise your own finances, get an accountant don’t ask me
for money. You must have a valid drivers license, a car (obviously) and an
incessant urge to drive long distances without an apparent destination. I am
willing to relinquish control of the playlist but no trance can ever be played.
Frank Ocean is generally preferred and if I like a song be prepared to listen
to it a trillion times without interrupting or I’ll be forced to start the song
again.
I’m half Asian so Karaoke and copious
amounts of vodka is always a good night out, buy me tequila and be prepared to
be dropped. Do not force me to do more shots or you will be forced to hold my
hair as I vomit. Be prepared to watch Sex and the City over and over again and
deal with my apparent lack of cooking skills.
I will not tolerate a smoker or a junkie.
If you haven’t been to the dentist in over 5 years stop reading this
immediately. I will see you when I see you so do not expect lovey dovey good
night texts, actually don’t even expect me to text you at all. If you have more
hair on your chest than your head you must be prepared to laser or wax.
I like to sing in the shower and spend
hours obsessing over my pores. Do not judge my post it notes they keep me sane.
I am jealous and overly possessive that’s how you know I care. I do not believe
in wearing track pants outside the house and am constantly over dressed for
everything. You can wear what you want just no bum bags.
Oh and I am ridiculously shallow so if you
don’t have green or blue eyes and big arms don’t even bother applying.
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